Alexander Staff / @strider80 – Women were always telling me I had no taste, so I started eating more pineapple…
David Marshall / @marshalldave38 – What’s big and green and it will hurt if it falls out of a tree and lands on you? A snooker table.
David Fleming / @FlemD – I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say “I’m hungry”… so it died.
Jamie M / @jmcb87 – Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something
Chri55 / @ChrisMacMonagle – Jeremy Beadle has got a wee cock, but on the other hand it’s quite big!
Paul Toner / @paul_k_toner – What’s the difference between a nun in a bath and a nun out of a bath? One has hope in her soul…
The Records and Bands Podcast / @records_bands – Two cows in a field. One goes “mooooooo”. The other goes… “You bastard I was going to say that!”
Jack Mair / @jackwmair – I got asked out by a really loud woman on zoom. I had to turn her down.
Graeme / @graemerae_ – What did the elephant say to the naked man? How do you breathe through that tiny thing?
Scott Johnston / @S_Johan88 – Why did the washing machine laugh? It took the piss out the pants
Tr5m5ndo / @TremendoHendo72 – 10 cows in a field, which one is closest to Iraq? Coo eight…
L / @L41RD_ – Sad news this morning. My next door neighbour Anne has suddenly passed away. She was a real character and loved her Indian Takeaways. Turns out she doesn’t want to be cremated. So it’s Bury Annie.
DaCapoucho / @DaCapoucho – What do you call a man who is almost at his front door? Hamish.
When “Believe”, the lead single of her 22nd studio album of the same name, debuted atop on 31 October, it stayed on the spot for seven consecutive weeks (the longest running #1 of the year) and became the biggest-selling single of the year and in UK history by a female singer.
The 1996 hit “Three Lions”, written for the Euro 96 football championships, was re-written for the World Cup as “Three Lions ’98” and topped the charts for 3 weeks, becoming more successful than the original.
9 April – George Michael is arrested in a park in Beverly Hills, California after being caught in a “lewd act” by an undercover police officer, who was operating in a sting operation using so-called “pretty police”. Michael was fined $810 and was sentenced to 80 hours community service. Michael would soon “come out” and sent up the incident in his video for “Outside”.
Every day a friend of mine would suck air up his arsehole and rip the loudest and longest farts l’ve ever heard. It was a sad day when he was expelled from school.
One of my friends got into an argument with his little sister in front of like 50 other weans. He was so pissed off that when he tried to say, “I’m gonna kick your fuckin’ ass,” he said, “I’m gonna fuck you up the ass!”
I wore boxer shorts to school because my mum told me people wore them as regular shorts.
Either the time my psychotic French teacher locked me in the supply cupboard, or when my Latin teacher hit me with a ruler… Note: said Latin teacher now works for the BBC after the child sex offenses trial collapsed due to his very expensive lawyers.
I was making chinese throwing stars in metal work…only I was pish at metal work, and they came out looking like swastikas.
To the USA…
My dad kidnapped us for the first time and put us in school.
Getting my period and bleeding through my clothes. Walked around all day with blood on the back of my skirt until someone told me and I had to tie a jacket around my waist… Not as bad as my husband’s worst memory, though. When he was in 9th grade, during an assembly a student pulled out a gun, shot at the ceiling once (sending everyone running and screaming) and then killed himself.