Claim to lame – rubbish stories about football players

A few years ago I asked Heart and Hand – The Rangers Podcast listeners to send me anything they thought was a claim to lame – the opposite of a claim to fame. You understand the concept. I just found the old document with them all attached and, because they are so amazing/lame, I thought I’d post them again.

  • Lewis MacLeod wore a blue Santa Hat in a program just before Christmas when we were in Division 3. The hat belonged to me. A Rangers photographer asked me for a shot at Montrose and gave me it back at Elgin. Said he would get me a signed top in return, he never did.
  • Betty Souness, the mother of Graeme, worked in our staff canteen in the 70’s alongside Sandy Jardine’s aunty.
  • My Granny used to punt fireplaces. She sold one to John Greig.
  • My dad used to cut Ian Durrant’s grass. He got me a signed photograph, then admitted years later that Ian’s wife signed it.
  • My mate was Rino Gattusso’s milkman.
  • In 1999 I asked the assistant in PC World if the PC I was looking at was any good? He pointed to the cash desk and said ‘he’s just bought the same one ‘. It was Sergio Porrini.
  • A guy I went to college with went to school with Kevin Kyle. Apparently he was a total wanker when playing basketball.
  • My son’s dinner woman was Robert Malcolm’s sister (Isa).
  • Bob Malcolm got my hero Grado to send me a video message and I think he might have been taking a shite when he recorded it. 100% in the toilet anyway.
  • My father-in-law was Clipboard Kenny’s (McDowall) builder.
  • Kenny McDowell nearly hit me with a golf ball when I was working beside a green.
  • Played pool with David Beckham’s old man in Malta. He told me David was a big Rangers fan & being 10 years old, I genuinely believed him.
  • I lived 2 doors down from Jock Wallace and my mum used to babysit his kids. Our next door neighbour at the same time was Doug Houston. Impressed if you remember him without checking.
  • Paul Ritchie came to my school to do a coaching session and I hit a penalty through his legs.
  • Jimmy Smith, legendary goalscorer, worked with my dad in Fyfe & McGrouthers in Townhead. I was introduced to him when I was about 9 (1986) but there was, very wrongly actually, no fuss made of it. He was just introduced as ‘Old Jimmy’ and I was none the wiser till years later.
Ally McCoist on Wrong Term Memory
Ally McCoist
Grado on Wrong Term Memory
Grado on Wrong Term Memory
Bob and Barry
  • I saw Jason Holt in Silverburn last Friday. I didn’t say hello …. my 8 year old boy went in the huff with me.
  • I used to walk my mum and dad’s dog past Ronald De Boer, Michael Mols and Fernando Ricksen’s houses. Once saw De Boer kicking a ball about with Alan Thomson who lived nearby too.
  • Colin Hendry’s brother broke my nose but it was a wrong spy. Him n his mate knocked fuck out of me when I came out of the toilets, when it was the guy after me they were waiting on! That’s one day ma black belt did come in handy! And that’s a true story!
  • The band that played at my wedding also played at Derek Mcinnes’, told the (ex now) missus if they’re good enough for Del they’re good enough for us. Can’t mind their name now!!
  • My Dad was Gary Steven’s bin man. One day Gary’s Mrs chucked out a big load of football gear, for reasons we can only guess. My Dad managed to get a commemorative stein from Bayern v Rangers given to GS.  Still has it in his house!
  • My mum went to highschool with Graeme Souness. I’ve played 5-a-side with Scott Wilson. I’ve sat at the same table as David Murray’s brother Andrew .. before a Euro game. My dad went to a wedding that Walter Smith and Archie Knox attended. I have been in the same pub as the WAGS in Amsterdam. Ally McCoist’s mum was also there and she was the life of the party.
  • The house we currently live in was bought off Greg Shields. Flooded after a week. Cheers, Greg mate.
  • In the 70s me and a mate knocked on Jonny Hamilton’s door and asked if we could do his garden. I think he was a bit embarrassed. He gave us both a picture of Rangers players taken on a tour of Canada. Once we got them we fucked off leaving the garden worse than when we started.
  • A few years ago my mate sold a Christmas tree to John Greig MBE at Craigmarloch nursery.
  • My gran stayed in a sheltered housing complex. The warden’s daughter was married to Alex Cleland. Never ever seen him there when I visited.
  • I worked in a factory stacking boxes in a van and the gaffer was Alan Hutton’s uncle.
  • Once I accidentally scudded Arthur Numan with my bass guitar case outside central station.
  • Moved Henning Berg back to Norway and his wife gave me his full Rangers official suit, including the shirt and tie. Bonus was that there was £30 still in the pocket. It was just a wee bit too big! Still got it in the loft. Might need to try it on again. It was all Hugo Boss and the shirt had our crest on it.
  • My ex-gaffer rented his second house to Lee McCulloch.
  • Alex Mcleish signed my brother’s packet of sandwiches after an away game at Livingston.
  • My mum used to play tennis with Ally Maxwell’s wife.
  • I cleaned Ryan Jack’s windows.
  • My best man worked with Harry Forrester’s brother-in-law and asked for any training gear and now cuts about in Rob Kiernan’s tracksuit.
  • I work weekends in a cricket club pulling pints and one of the boys who plays cricket, went to uni in Edinburgh and worked part-time in Primark with Jason Cumming’s mum. Another one is when I was 13-14 I used to go out in the summer holidays and work with my sister’s boyfriend’s landscaping company and we used to cut Jonathan Johansson’s grass, never seen him but his Mrs used to give me a tenner tip.
  • My mate at school used to go out with Jim Traynor’s daughter. She was, and probably still, is lovely.
  • When I worked for Royal Mail, I delivered Ian Ferguson’s letter from the SFA when he got done for spitting on Petric. The 1st time they sent it Fergie had fucked off on holiday so i sent it back to Park Gardens as ‘undelivered’.
  • Served Karl Svensson and his mrs when I worked in Braehead. Karl may have been pish, but his wife was a worldly!
  • Was pals with Rhys McCabe’s sister in primary and my mum taught Rhys is primary one. I sold Scott Brown trainers once… took them into the stockroom and scuffed them up before putting them back in the box and selling them though.
Graeme Souness on Wrong Term Memory
Graeme Souness
Gordon Ramsey on Wrong Term Memory
Gordon Ramsey
Rhys McCabe on Wrong Term Memory
Rhys McCabe
  • In 1992, while working at Spurs, for a betting company, I took a £1000 bet in the lounge,  from Gazza (on crutches) for a horse in the Grand National. I can’t remember his chosen nag but Party Politics won the race.
  • John Brown caught us drinking in the train station before a school dance. He never grassed, just took a drink and had a sing sing! Top bloke!
  • My mum worked for the same company as Walter Smith’s wife and my dad and him both played as ringers for the company football team.
  • About 2009/10 I used to fly from Edinburgh to Birmingham with work each Tuesday. Barry Ferguson always took the same flight. Never plucked up the courage to speak to him though.
  • My mum and dad bought a house in Edinburgh and there was a mental snagging list, the joiner charged with sorting it all was Colin Stein. Also, my dad golfs with Tom Forsyth weekly and he came back from a dinner at Ibrox with the menu not signed by any players but signed by the guest chef, Gordon Ramsay.
  • I once held Ian Black’s wife’s shopping while her and Ian lifted their bairn’s buggy onto a train.
  • Found out recently that Ralph Brand is a member of my golf club.
  • Jeremy Clement’s parents stood next to me in the queue to get into the ground in Auxerre. AND I cuddled the long haired guitarist & the ginger drummer from Wet Wet Wet 4 times at the 1994 New Year’s Day game at Parkhead.
  • My daughter goes to school with a girl whose dad is Barry Nicholson’s brother in law. Lame… And, I’m friends on Facebook with Andy Halliday’s half brother.
  • I used to work as a property surveyor and once worked on a house that used to be owned by Michael Ball
  • Said “alright” to Barry Ferguson once in Hamilton Palace. He tutted as if to say “fuck off leave me alone”. Cracking player – cunt of a person.
  • In the run up to Manchester I was at the same wedding as Christian Daily’s mum. I meant to go scouting for a curly headed woman as
  • I was ticket hunting, but forgot.I delivered the local paper to a house that Robert Prytz used to live in!
  • I worked in the Gers shop in Edinburgh. I met Thomas Buffel’s parents who came in for a nose around. Very polite and pleasant.
  • I was in the queue for destiny when Bob Malcolm got a knock back from the office party!
  • Once I took a pee beside Kris Boyd in the treehouse in Ayr, and my mate cleans Graeme Souness’ son’s windows.
  • My mate (an Dundee Utd fan) – his mum’s bridesmaid at her wedding was Graeme Murty’s mother in law.
  • My Auntie used to work at a restaurant in Stirling that Terry Butcher owned in the 90s, didn’t know who he was and only cottoned on when Ally McCoist came in for tea one night, still have the picture he signed.
  • When working at the DVLA I processed the paperwork for Carlos Cuellar’s private registration to go onto his new number plate. He went to Aston Villa a few weeks later.

If you have any claims to lame yourself, stick them in the comment section below:

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2 thoughts on “Claim To Lame”

  1. 3 or so years ago I was walking between work sites in London. Goin up this street I saw this lass I thought I knew but I couldn’t place her so I thought better play it safe and say hi – “Hi, how you keeping?” She gave me a look of utter disgust then started looking at her phone. Thought to myself what’s happened there? Then about 10 mins later I clicked it was Kimberly Walsh from Girls Aloud

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