Bad Guide To Sex and some Fan Fiction

SORRY – OUR RECORDING SOFTWARE WENT BAD AND THIS MIGHT BE UN-LISTENABLE

Twila, The Girl Who Waz In Luv With A Vampyre

by TwilaBeautifulPyscoTopazCullen

Chapter 1 – i meet edword in da school

hay guyz my nami is Twila Beautiful PSyco Topaz Cullem. i go 2 skewl in waschington wif da SEXIIEST VAMPYRE EVER, hiz name iz edward cullen n he iz sooo sexii n hot n gerad way mite play him in da movi TWILITE!!1 omfg i wuld hav an organism lolol

but neway dis iz mi stori its called XXX TWILA, THE GURL WHO WAS IN LUV WIF A VAMPIR XXX’ ok btw im gothik n so is edword so we wer ment to b ok! so haterz bak off n if u lyk bella den FUK U! ok thanx 2 my editar, Midnite Cullen (dnt get ne ideaz shez not marred 2 ed, she iz maried 2 jasper)

plz plz plz giv me reviews plz i wuld lyk dat, this is da 1st time i eva rote a stori, btw my infleuence is enoby darkness dementia ravn way!! i fink she iz da best OK ENJOY GUYZ

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx TWILA, DA GIRL WHO WAS IN LUV W/ A VAMPIRxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

CHAPTER 1

Hi my name is Twila Beatiful Psyco Topaz (not cullen yet, bcuz i ddnt meet edward yet) n i live in waschington wif my sister Midnite. we liv in a dark house that iz far away from every1 els n we r vampires. we feest on blood n no1 else noes dat we are vampirs. not evn are mom wich is y we moved away to b by ourselves. yes we r LONERS.

i go 2 a hi school n every1 finks dat im really hott, i hav strait blak hair nd topez eyes n mi sister midnte is da same accept she has magenta eyez. i wear lots of blak makup on mi eyes even tho i hav dark ciircles under my eyes, (a/n ok if u think thats lame then FUK U, edword has dem too and steraphie myers sed hes realli hot ok.) i dnt lyk any1 at mi school, i am a missenthrop (a/n loook it up) that menz i hate other ppl accept midnite.

one day i met a realli sexi vampore named EDWARd CULLENS he haz realli white skin lyk me. he is satan’s gift to dis planet (a/n I DONT BELEVE IN GOD I AM N ATHEIST. i thnk saten created dis universe god bles u satan u r alwayz in mi heart.) so anywey i met him i nda skewl n he was wif some fukking ugli ass bytch named bella swann. she waz soo stupid n she kept fallin out of her seat. edwward lookd at me lyk wtf is dis gurl doing. i smiled at him sexi and aventerous n he new rite away that i wuz a vampir, i culd tell from his eyes wich were da same collor as mine.

“Heyy” he sed walkn away from bella. dere were some gay ass ghetto ppl in his way doin da SOLDA BOY CRANK DANce n he jus lookd at dem with his dethly eyes n they iran away. i realy hat cliks n gheto ppl fink they r kewl, i giv dem the middle finger in the halwayz n itz l;ke YEA HUS TUFF NOW LOL rite

neway edward n i sat 2getha at da lunch tabel n bella stard at us wif dat poser jakob. ed ddnt pay ne atencion to her at all. he told me al abot how he iz a vampir n his dad carlose wnated 2 meet me. n his sisters alice, rosmarie, jasper n emet all luved me rite away n his mom esmi wnted 2 meet me 2.

so we kut skewl early n went to his realli big house in da woods n jasper is realli big and muscelar so he jst nocked down all da treez in da way.

when we got there carlose came to da door imedately. he gasped in surpise at my beauty

“You Must be twila, my u certenly r attraxive” he teasd me seductevly. ed, jasp, emet, alison n rosaline all growld at him angrly, all sensitive becuz they liked me 2 besidez it wusnt fare cuz he was alreadi married.

“Yea thats me lol” i told him and bowed (a/n dats wat they do in japanese becuz its polite) “nice to met you i said.

“So i hear ur a vampir, cum in my house n we can talk about it.”

I waz sooo excited n i ran in quikly in every1 followed me, we were alreadi frends.

XXXXXXXXXX END OF CHAPTE 1XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

PLZ GUYZ TELL ME IF ITS GUD

Chapter 2 – THe fite at der house

FLAMERZ BAK OFF OK. mi engish is fine u dnt hav to b a bytch about it u fukkin homos. if u lik bella i sed not 2 red cuz u wuld be offenced. i red dis book a lot of tims i fink i no der names.

and wateva u say, DUNT DISS TARA GELSBIE. OK. SHE IS A FUKKING GRATE RITER

OK HERE IS CHAPTA 2.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX CHAPTER 2 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Wen i walkd in2 da house edward disapered and den appered at da piano (hez a vamprie he kan do that.) he storted 2 play Famous Last werds by mi chemical romans. i started 2 sing in my beatifull voice “Wel i kno that i kan make u stay, wel den were iz ur heart? were iz ur heart?” every1 gasped, even tho they were vampirs they didnt hav voices lyk me. OUT of nowere they all jumped up nd tried to tak off my cloths.

“WOT R U DOING?” i creamed. deir eyes were red n they had all turned in2 savagez. den they stoppd and confused.

“Sorry Twila.” edward sed. “sometimes wen we c some1 we kant resist we turn in2 beasts. it wnt hapen agen” puting bak on mi clothe.

“Itz ok a lot of ppl r attracted to me” i excplaned. they all understod.

“it must be ur blood” sed carlose in horrofied. “Beauty, u hav the most rare n exotic blood in all da world, evry vampir wil want to drink it. itz much betta den that other gurls, wats her name?”

“Dat bytches nam is bella” sed jasper growling. Midnite hugged him so he wuldnt get 2 angry n apper in bellas house n strangle her wif 1 tuch of his finger cuz hes realli strong lyk da hulk.

“twila, i wnat u 2 marri me” sudenly screemed alise hu was a plebian. edward rowred at her, furius n all protective n sudenly… he htransformed!

“OMFG NOOOO” i shouted cuz i dint want ne1 2 get hurt. eds shirt bursted opened wif mussels. his topazz eyez turnd pure blak with strengt n energy n he jumped at alice

“TWOLA IS MARRING ME ALREADI” he sed wif his voice was booming n all da windows exploded n da glass rained down lik in dat avril laven video wer she punches da miror n da glass all flyes out around her. He storted 2 fite with alice to da death over me.

“Guyz guys” i suddenly compromized “Guess wat srry im not a lebian.” alice started 2 cry tearz of blood. “Y r her tears blood” i asked all curios

“Oh no this is bad” said emet hu had been in da bathrom da hole time. “wen we cry our tearz r blood n its da blood of our victims, shez losin blood n now she wil be thirsy agen. RUN”

Alic tryed 2 jump at me and tare my flesh but i movd out of da way n she attakd rosemarie instead hu was prety but she waznt as prety as me n her throat flew open. n blood poured out everywere n alice ate it.

“Ohh mi satan” i said heartbrokn becuz i causd so much truble. edward jus laughed “its ok babe” he said nd kissed me for da 1st time! (He had turned back from blak ed to white ed (a/n HEZ LIK HOTSANHARU FROM FRUITY BASKET) n he was calm agen.) “Shez a vampir, shell just cum bak 2 life.”

so they sedeted alison n she fel asleep n rose came bak 2 lyf. we had berger king 4 diner bcuz i had 2 hurry. n then i went home thinsking of edword the hole time and how his flami hot lips felt on my. his body waz so warm n i culdnt wate to c him agen.

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Quick Hits

Girl in college got her vibrator out. Was giving me head, turned on vibrator and held it against my balls. Crazy feeling, I jumped about 3 feet in the air, kneed her in the head and knocked her clean out.

One of the first times me and my boyfriend were having sex he asked me to get on all fours, so I did. He had one of those divan beds but didn’t have a headboard, I didn’t realise the bed was on wheels. He pumped so hard the bed flew into the wall and I smashed my head wide open.

She covered herself in ketchup and mustard and told me to eat her like a Hebrew National – which is a type of hot dog

INSERT ACCIDENTAL POOP

A girl I was banging for a while thought it would be hot to whimper like a wounded puppy while I was doing her doggy style. I actually told her if she kept it up I would pull out and leave.

INSERT GREYFRIARS BOBBY

I was mid hookup with a guy (no penetration yet) when he reached over to his nightstand and produced a bag of dildos which he dumped out onto the bed next to me. One was literally flashing because it had lightbulbs in it. He then loses his erection and immediately gets out of bed and puts his clothes on because, and I quote, ‘this isn’t working out.’

The guy I lost my virginity to told me he had asthma like me, but what he didn’t tell me how bad it apparently was. Half way through us doing it, he goes, ‘Oh no hold on’ and runs to his bag and hits his inhaler before running back over to me

“I dated this guy for a few months who actually spoke to my vagina. Once he was down there, his face inches from my fanny, he whispered, ‘yeah… you want me to eat you? you really want to feel my tongue?’ It was pretty obvious that he was not talking to me.

My ex farted during sex. She thought I would “like the vibrations”.

My roommate’s dad works for a lotion company, so we get all the reject lotions. I brought one over to this guy’s house but when I put it on him, he started screaming because it had cinnamon in it.

She shoved her unlubricated finger in my asshole. It was terrible.

INSERT WRONG HOLE

My wife tried to be sexy for me this one time… she hummed her own music tune while giving me a lap dance. It just did not work for me. I recognized it from a Looney Toon cartoon with Daffy singing ‘chik chicky boo chicky boo WOO HOO!’ When I showed her the clip, she got embarrassed, saying that she knew it from something, but didn’t remember where.

Ok so when I was about 18, I had been out to town drinking with my boyfriend at the time. He came back to stay at my house. We both passed out in bed. I woke up and he was crying. Couldn’t understand why and he wouldn’t tell me. Turned out he had taken a shit on my bedroom floor. He tried to clean it up. He never spoke to me after this and dumped me for taking a dump on my floor.

INSERT ASHAMED AND CRYING

Sexy Quotes

I shouted, ‘Fill me up, Mr. petrol pump.’

She leaned in and whispered, ‘I want that fire cock.’

‘I like your dick better than my other boyfriend’s.’

 ‘You can either be spanked or lick the Stick of Discipline.’

I was making out with a boy and all of a sudden he sat up and said, ‘holy shit I need to buy plywood’.

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