Awful Fan Fiction

Harry Potter Fan Fiction

My Immortal – Wikipedia Entry

First Encounter

Hogwarts sighed and it echoed within his empty halls. The students had all left for the summer and he felt empty and useless. Hagrid was often around, but he was usually too focused on bizarre animals to fulfill the needs of Hogwarts. Professors would pop in occasionally, but being a magic school, Hogwarts didn’t need much upkeeping. The little he did need was taken care of by Filch.

He shuddered, causing small trembles throughout his halls that was barely discernable, except by the spiders and owls. He didn’t care much for Filch, wishing he could walk without his squib feet touching his magnificent stone floors. He had long since stopped trying to force his floors open to swallow Filch and Mrs Norris whole. Besides, if he kept it up, he would be risking a prolapsed staircase and that was no laughing matter.

The giant squid saw how miserable Hogwarts was. It was true that he also missed the students, but for an entirely different reason; he missed their terrified screams as he revealed himself, rising from the murky depths of the lake.

His huge eyes stared mournfully at his very large tentacles. At one time, he had dreams of being an actor. The larger he grew, the fewer agents and scouts would come calling, until they finally stopped altogether. There wasn’t much in the market for a squid that would split a schoolgirl from stem to stern.

He stared at his tentacles as they moved gently in the current. Schoolgirls were out… A plan formed in his mind and he swam to the surface, hesitating momentarily before pulling himself from the water. It ran off of his rubbery skin in rivulets as he made his way across the grounds. No humans were around to witness the incredible trek and no human would believe his eyes had he been a witness.

Hogwarts watched the giant squid approach and felt apprehension well up in his kitchen. “What are you doing?” The words weren’t spoken, but they were understood.

“Just trust me,” the giant squid replied, caressing Hogwarts’ outerwalls.

“I’m not ready!” Hogwarts exclaimed, trying to push the giant squid away with his magic.

“Hogwarts, you’re lonely, I’m lonely. We don’t have to be. Besides, you can’t go around manipulating your staircases.”

“You know about that!”

“Everyone does it. Sort of.”

“That’s beside the point. I’ve never…” The temperature within rose in embarrassment.

“I’ll go slow. I promise.” He began to caress a window, teasing it open. Hogwarts sighed, the fight leaving him. He relaxed, allowing the tentacle inside, where it brushed against the inner walls before settling on the stone floor. He fastened the suction cups to the floor, lifting the tentacle away so that it pulled on the floor without losing its grip.

Another sigh swept through the halls of Hogwarts. “Oh, Merlin. That feels so good.” His rapture turned to fright as he felt a tentacle work its way into a second window. “I don’t—”

“Trust me. It’ll feel good. Remember this?” He pulled the suction cups a little harder and Hogwarts groaned.

“Do that again.” The giant squid complied and as he did so, thrust his second tentacle in. Hogwarts shuddered, coming very close to ending the fun. The giant squid backed off, unwilling to finish so soon. He waited for Hogwarts to calm down before sending the second tentacle to search the room. He felt the need to fill Hogwarts as much as possible and he raised another tentacle, caressing his outer walls, running along windowsills and tracing individual bricks. So caught up in the bliss, Hogwarts didn’t notice the giant squid slip in a third and fourth tentacle.

“This is incredible,” Hogwarts breathed.

“This isn’t even the best part.” He held up his two longest tentacles. “These can reach farther than a room; they can go into your hallways.”

“I want them in me.”

“Are you sure? They’re quite large.”

Apprehension rolled through his kitchen again. While he was deciding, the giant squid forced another tentacle in. “You have three tentacles left to decide.”

“What happens if I don’t?”

In response, the giant squid slid a sixth into another window. “Two,” he said simply and with a hint of warning.

Hogwarts could take them all, he knew he could. But what would the other wizarding schools think? Would Beauxbatons allow a giant squid to violate her? Certainly not! If Durmstrang ever found out, there’d be no end of teasing.

The giant squid grew impatient and slid a seventh tentacle into a window, followed immediately by an eighth. “Two. One. Time’s up and you didn’t decide.”

“What! But that’s not fair!”

“It’s a simple answer: yes or no. Now I’ll have to punish you.” And with that, he struck Hogwarts square on the outer wall with a paddle-like tentacle. Hogwarts yelped and tried to squirm away, but the tentacles and his foundation held firm. The giant squid struck him with the other. Again and again he spanked the naughty wizarding school until he sobbed for the giant squid to stop. And still he spanked.

The giant squid finally stopped, but Hogwarts didn’t have time for a reprieve before the giant squid forced his extra long, spanking tentacles into two separate windows. They slid through the room and forced the doors open, the pain only adding to Hogwarts’ pleasure. The tentacles were in the halls now, massaging the long, stone tunnels.

This was incredible, the giant squid thought. He really should have done this ages ago. Every tentacle was in a different window. No schoolgirl, no matter how many movies she made, could hold all ten tentacles at once. Each one moved differently and with a different pace, driving Hogwarts crazy with the inability to match his speed.

He felt that familiar feeling and doubled his efforts. Ink exploded all over Hogwarts, some finding its way into the windows. He unified his tentacles somewhat, completely focused on Hogwarts. He must be close.

Then it happened: water shot out of faucets, toilets overflowed and bread set in ovens to keep warm by thoughtful house-elves exploded. Hogwarts shook violently to his foundations, rousing Filch from bed and sending house-elves and Mrs Norris scrambling for cover. Even Hagrid heard the groan of stone and came running.

They searched around the castle and through the castle, but found no sign of intruders. Most perplexing was the sticky ink on one side of the castle. Hagrid peered through the dark toward the lake, but was unable to see the ripples left in the wake of the giant squid.

The giant squid slipped beneath the waves, wanting to grin even though his beak was incapable. He anticipated a very short summer before the professors and students returned, so he had better make the most of it.

Who’s My Daddy?

“Come on now, Mr. Potter, you can do this! Push!”

Harry is in St. Mungo maternity ward and he was coached by a couple of midwives and a doctor. His whole body was covered in cold sweat and he was gasping heavily for breath. One of the midwives wiped his brow with a damp cloth and whispered kindly to his ear.

“You can do it, Mr. Potter. Just a little bit now.”

“I…I can’t…I’m too tired…” Harry gasped as tears fell freely from his green eyes. The midwife wiped them away gently.

“Everything is going to be alright, Mr. Potter. You are going to have a beautiful child and you are going to be a very proud father. Everything is going to great. You’re doing fine. Just a little bit more and it’ll be all over.”

“Easy for you to say…” Harry chuckled tiredly. “You’re not the one pregnant.”

“Oh, I soon will be. I’m a married woman,” the midwife smiled. “Come on, Mr. Potter, push.”

And so Harry did. With the voices of the midwives and the doctor in charge surrounding him, Harry did the best he could to bring the child that was in him for 9 months straight out into the world. Time seemed to pass agonizingly slowly as Harry struggled to push with all his might. The weather outside was calm and breezy, a total contradiction to what Harry was feeling at this moment. He could feel the warm blood smearing all over his thighs and soaking through the sheets under him. He could feel the cold sweat drenching through his blue hospital garments and most of all, he could feel the pain of birth searing through his skin and through his bones, eating off every muscle and every flesh that was in him, like a hungry fire burning ravishingly at a piece of dry paper. He sobbed as he felt the feeling of a lump between his legs growing painfully bigger and he could hear the kind midwife whispering more kind, encouraging words to him.

“One more push, Mr. Potter,” the doctor coached. “One last push.”

Harry gripped the bed railings tighter than ever and let out an agonized scream as he gave one last push. He only stopped screaming when he heard the tiny wails of the baby as it breathed in air for the first time. Harry finally let go of the bed railings and gasped tiredly.

“My…My baby…?”

“Congratulations, Mr. Potter! You have a beautiful baby boy!”

Harry wept tears of joy and immediately forgot about the excruciating pain he had just went through as the midwife who spoke kindly to him before wrapped the baby in a clean cloth and handed the small bundle to him. Harry, with shivering arms, reached out and took the baby to his embrace, kissing him over and over again with his heart full of love for this baby. He found it hard to believe that this little child that he had hated and despised as it grew bigger and bigger inside leeching off most of strength could end up turning out so beautiful and angelic before his eyes. He felt so sorry for all the hard feelings he had felt and said to this little child. He could only feel unending and devoted love towards this little child. Only when the familiar damp cloth was dabbing on his sweat-drenched forehead did he came back to reality.

“In like a banana, out like a watermelon, eh, love?” the midwife smiled as she continued to wipe his forehead as Harry could feel the afterbirth coming to him slowly.

“Uh-huh,” Harry muttered weakly. “What’s your name again, kind nurse?”

“The name’s Winnie. Winnie Dumbledore, Albus’ youngest sister.”

“You…You’re Dumbledore’s sister?” Harry asked in surprised as he finally realized that she had the exact kind eyes as Dumbledore has. Winnie smiled.

“Well, I’m the only heir in the family who chose to be a midwife. I can’t help it, I just like babies. The rest are all working in the Ministry of Magic. You are quite a topic during meals sometimes, Mr. Potter, I must say.”

 “You can call me Harry,” Harry said as he tickled his son’s chin. He studied his features carefully: bright brown eyes and silver-blonde hair with skin as pale as the moon. He could see the slight mischievousness and adventurous look in his eyes and yet at the same time it was both dark and mysterious with a small tinge of humbleness. He could feel a dark, silent aura that was both powerful and frightening, but he disregarded it as a slight delusion of his tiredness after birth.

 “What will you call him, Harry?” Winnie asked.

Harry looked at his baby son for a while before making his decision.

 “Alberto Alexi Zephyr Janphen Caninus Generus Potter.”

Further Harry Potter FanFic Snippets

  • My grandfather frequently reads fanfiction about how Harry and Draco are secretly gay lovers. There was one where Harry was the new Voldy, and Draco was an ambassador from the Ministry sent to petition him for mercy, and when he came back he tried to play off his “love bites” as “evidence of torture”… The weirdest part, hands down, is knowing that my grandfather reads gay HP porn
  • Probably the one where Voldemort rapes Hermione, who is in Azkaban for… reasons, and she gives him a daughter who is an obvious self-insert. She goes to Hogwarts and is immediately raped by everyone including Dumbledore, Snape, and her own father… When I asked what the fuck brought this nightmare into existence, the owner’s excuse was “I was really horny at the time.”
  • Kitsune Harry Potter is suddenly catnip to every gay half human at Hogwarts, and gets impregnated by a half dragon half demon student. It went on, but I couldn’t stand any more.
  • The one where Lucius Malfoy drills a hole in Draco’s skull and fucks his brain.
  • There’s a harry potter / pirates of the Caribbean gay love fanfic out there somewhere I read once.

Jesus and Hitler: A Romance 

In the year 2025 in the halls of the Reichschancellory a German soldier was running to an office. when he reached the door he dropkicked it open. “Mine Furor! The Americans are inside Berlin!”

Adolph Hitler, king of Neo-Germany, looked up from his volksdesk rapidly. “Mein gott in Himmel! I must escape!” Quickly he ran to his secret underground laboratory. Scientists were running around and conducting scientific experiments. “Active the time machine!” shouted Hitler. Hitler could hear Americans shouting in the tunnel behind him, murdering innocent German scientists and soldiers to satiate their blood lust.

“But mine Furor, the temporal coordinates are not set! You could be sent ANYWHERE!”

“It is irrelevant, fool! I must survive so that National Socialism can continue!” The thoroughly chastised scientist activated the time machine, and Hitler was thrown through time – to 29AD! When Hitler stepped through the portal he saw a beautiful man with blue eyes and a long beard.

“Greetings, my son,” he said. Hitler looked around.

“Where am I?”

“In Israel, my son. Come, have lunch with me. My name is Jesus Christ.” Hitler was instantly amazed. He had been a devout Christian all his life and he was honored to eat dinner with Jesus. During lunch Hitler explained the tenets of National Socialism to the Messiah. To his delight, Jesus loved it! Within an hour Jesus was won over to National Socialism. Hitler felt joy in his heart. National Socialism would live again!

While they were talking Hitler found himself checking out Jesus’ tight bod. If he wasn’t Furor of Germany… But he wasn’t Furor anymore,was he? That night when Hitler and Jesus were in bed together Hitler said “Jesus, what do you think of… love between men?”

“What do you mean, Hitler?” Jesus asked. Hitler took a deep breath. He would have to be bold.

“This is what I mean.” He leaned over and started Frenching with the Lord. At the same time he reached down and started tugging on his already turgid member (Christ slept in the buff). Jesus broke off the kiss.

“Hitler I – I don’t know if I can do this. It feels so good, so right, but I’m afraid. I’ve never been with another man before.”

“I’ve never been with a man, either, Jesus. I’m scared, just like you are, but we can’t let our fears rule us! I love you, Jesus. Do you love me?” Hitler’s eyes had tears in them.

Jesus smiled. “Yes, Hitler. I love you.” They embraced. Again, they kissed passionately. Hitler continued to jerk Christ off. When he began to tense up Hitler lowered his head to Christ’s stiff member and caught Christ’s sticky seed in his mouth. There was an incredible amount of it and it splashed everywhere. When Hitler rose up again Jesus locked lips with him. He could taste his own salty semen in Hitler’s mouth, and he didn’t care. Jesus was happy for the first time in his life.

Goku and Anne Frank in “Until the End of Time”

Anne sighed as she sat in her room, staring at her wall. She just finished writing in her diary, and had nothing to do. Life was boring in the Secret Annex, but it was better than the alternative. It was alright talking to Peter and Margot, but they were both such quiet people, unlike the always active Anne. All of a sudden, a flash of light appeared in the room! Anne jumped back, stifling a scream. Before she could run out the closed door she noticed that the person who appeared in the flash was not a Nazi officer, but someone who she had never seen before! His clothes were very strange, and his hair was in a spiky style that was totally new to her. She stood against the wall, wary of the stranger, but he walked towards her and smiled, extending a hand. “My name is Goku.” The mysterious stranger said. Anne nervously put her hand in his. He bent down and kissed it softly, then let go. Anne blushed, feeling something she had never felt before go off inside of her. “My name is Anne…” she replied quietly. “I’m sorry for what just happened,” Goku told her, “But I was caught in a time portal and deposited here! My power cells will recharge soon, but until then, I’m stuck here.” Anne had no idea what the handsome visitor was talking about, but she played along. “Well, sir” she said. “You may stay in my room as long as you like!” Anne blushed again as she said this, and giggled slightly. Goku looked around, and then sat on the bed. “Thank you for the invitation. I’ll be sure to repay you for it soon.” Anne did not understand what he meant by that, however, when he spoke, she felt a warmth deep inside of her. She sat by him on the bed, staring at the man’s beautiful eyes. Finally, she could stand it no longer. Anne leaned over and kissed the stranger on the cheek, and then pulled back quickly, not sure of what she had done. “I’m sorry…” she said, as she stumbled to find the right words. The visitor smirked. “No, that’s quite alright.” He replied with a smile, putting one arm around her. “You know, you’re a very beautiful girl, but I… well…” Anne looked at him, troubled. “What’s the matter?” she said, with a sweet smile. Goku looked nervous. “I… I’m already married.” he finally managed to choke out. Anne pulled away from him abruptly. “No!” she said loudly, almost in tears. “I’m sorry…” he replied. Anne was furious. “Nothing ever goes right!” she cried out. “I have to go now, my power cells have recharged.” said Goku. Anne was in tears by now, staring at the wall so she wouldn’t see Goku’s face. He smiled a sad smile, and disappeared in another flash, out of Anne’s life forever. Anne never forgot him, though… not until the end of time.

One month. Well, it didn’t feel like a month. To Anne Frank, a Jew in hiding from the Nazis, it seemed like a year. One month since the fateful encounter with the mysterious man from another world, who she only knew as ‘Goku’. The handsome stranger had stepped through time and into her life, then disappeared without a trace. Anne was almost sure that they’d never meet again, even though not one day passed without her dreaming of him. Little did she know, however, that their lives were tied by the unbreakable red string of fate?

It was another boring day in the Secret Annex. Anne sat on the bed of her room, writing in her diary. It never occurred to her, however, that this entry would be her last. As she wrote in the quiet attic, there was a loud noise from downstairs. Her heart jumped with both fear and excitement. Was it them? The Nazis? Or, could it be… him? She had no idea whether to run downstairs or to hide. That decision, however, was made for her. Her door flew open, and a tall soldier was visible in the doorway, glaring at her. The cries of her family members and friends were tuned out as Anne only thought of one thing. She stood up and followed the soldier out of her room, down the stairs, and into the back of a truck. “So this is it.” She said quietly to herself. “I’ll never see him, my one true love, ever again. And all those years of hiding… they were for naught.” Then, Anne realized that she left her precious diary up in her room. She broke loose from the officer, and made a dash back into the shop, when he removed a gun from his holster and fired a shot in her direction. Anne fell to the floor.

Anne lay on the floor, feeling searing pain run through her leg, where the bullet had met its mark. The Gestapo officer menacingly moved towards her, grinning, when all of a sudden there was a blinding flash of light, causing the officer to shield his eyes. A huge cloud of smoke appeared next to Anne, blocking her from the soldier’s vision. When the smoke cleared, he was in for quite a surprise. There was Goku, holding Anne in his arms, standing next to a huge metal capsule. “Goku!” cried Anne “You came back… for me!” Goku smiled. “Anything for you, my dear.” He said. “Our love will never be lost… not until the end of time.” The Gestapo officer turned tail and ran, but Goku was too quick for him. After laying Anne on the concrete, he dashed towards the Nazi and knocked him to the ground, unconscious, with only one blow. “Nazi scum.” Muttered Goku as he spit on his enemy’s limp body, then returned to Anne. “Here, I have something for you.” Goku said, as he removed a small bean from his pocket. “What on earth is this?” asked Anne. Goku smiled, remember how ignorant she was to what was everyday life to him. “A senzu bean.” He said. “Just eat it, and it will cure your leg.” Anne followed his instructions and popped the bean into her mouth, as the wound on her calve magically healed. “Now come on.” Commanded Goku. “We’ve got some Nazi ass to kick.” Anne jumped on the mysterious Saiyan’s back, as he launched off into the sky.

After only a few moments, the two of them arrived in Berlin. Tanks were parading down the street, as Adolf Hitler himself stood on a platform overlooking it all. “Stay here.” Goku said, dropping Anne in a shaded area under a tree. He then flew straight towards the parade of tanks, fist outstretched, screaming as loud as he could. The soldiers below scattered in terror, while the tanks tried to aim their cannons at him. He was too quick and nimble for them, however, and opened the hatch of a nearby Panzer, then headed inside. After dispatching of the soldiers in control of the war machine, he took the wheel. He fired round after round into the crowds of Nazi soldiers, occasionally firing at the other tanks. After only minutes, there was nothing but a cloud of dust and corpses. Goku emerged from the tank’s hatch, smiling now that he had done his duty. When all of the dust cleared, there were only two people remaining on the parade ground: Goku, the Saiyan hero, and Adolf Hitler, the most evil man ever to walk the earth.

Anne watched from nearby fearfully as she saw the two men stare at each other for what seemed like hours. Her one true love, and her ultimate oppressor. It had come down to this. “So,” Hitler said jovially “You took out all of my men. However, you aren’t going to defeat me.” Hitler then jumped down from his platform and down onto the street in front of Goku, pulling a chain gun from the ground nearby. Goku quickly jumped behind a ruined tank, as Adolf opened fire. The tank made decent cover, but it wasn’t long until it would be torn apart by the hail of bullets. Goku had to act. He dashed out from the side of the tank, and flew as fast as he could toward Hitler, who had no time to react. He grabbed the chain gun out of his enemy’s hands, and snapped it over his knee with ease. Hitler stumbled backwards, shocked at the turn of events. Goku smirked, then said “It’s come down to this. You and me. Fighting like men. If you admit defeat now, I’ll kill you rather painlessly.” Goku had the definite advantage. Or so it seemed. Hitler burst into a laugh, as Goku looked on quizzically. The moustachioed man slowly rose into the air, as his brown hair and pencil moustache turned a blonde colour, and his brown eyes turned blue. Goku reeled in horror. Hitler continued laughing, then finally said “Goku! You came here expecting to find a madman, but instead, you found a GOD!” Hitler had become a Super Saiyan.

Anne looked on in awe, not sure what was going on. At first, it seemed like her lover would win the battle, but now she was not so sure. Goku now seemed scared of his opponent, and it was for a good reason. Hitler continued to speak “Goku, can’t you see? I’ve reached a power level 10 TIMES anything you’ve ever achieved! Your fate is sealed, weakling.” Even though the battle seemed unwinnable, Goku charged in, screaming at the top of his lungs. Every blow he struck with was deflected off of Hitler’s rock hard body. Hitler waited for Goku to tire himself out, then raised his fist and punched Goku. And one punch was enough. Goku was knocked across the street into a large propaganda poster of Hitler, thudding to the cold, hard ground. Hitler laughed, thinking that victory was in his hands at last. Goku, however, was not ready to give up. Bruised and battered, he rose from the ground, limping in Hitler’s direction. The Nazi leader laughed. “You still want to fight? Don’t you know when to give up, boy? You can hardly walk. And you expect to beat ME? Conqueror of Europe?” Goku ignored Adolf’s taunts as he continued to stumble his way forward. Finally, the two arch-rivals were standing face to face. Goku stared Hitler into the eye, then screamed “This… is for LOVE!” and flew up into the sky, his hair turning blonde, his eyes blue, and an aura of power radiating from him. Hitler looked on in horror at Goku. He had made the ultimate achievement. He had become a Super Ultra Power Saiyan. Goku made a cup shape with his hands, aiming at Hitler, as he belted out the words “Kame… Hame… HAAAAA!” as a beam of pure energy shot at his enemy, disintegrating the Nazi leader’s body. Goku then collapsed to the ground in a heap, exhausted from the fight. Two years later: Anne and Goku had finally reached the date of their wedding. After the battle, Anne and Goku destroyed the time machine and took a boat to Australia. They changed their names and lived new lives, ready to start over. The two young people looked into each other’s eyes as they kissed, as the reverend pronounced them man and wife. Finally, it seemed, Anne was at peace. And they would always be together, until the end of time.

Artemis’ lover.

Long story short. Boy finds Artemis, the cat from Sailor Moon, being beat up by other cats. He flips out and murders the cats. Then boy nurses Artemis back to health. Turns out Artemis was being attacked because he was a hermaphrodite. The boy reveals he’s one too. They bang

Unknown Title

John Stalvern waited. The lights above him blinked and sparked out of the air. There were demons in the base. He didn’t see them, but had expected them now for years. His warnings to Cernel Joson were not listenend to and now it was too late. Far too late for now, anyway. John was a space marine for fourteen years. When he was young he watched the spaceships and he said to dad “I want to be on the ships daddy.” Dad said “No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS” There was a time when he believed him. Then as he got oldered he stopped. But now in the space station base of the UAC he knew there were demons. “This is Joson” the radio crackered. “You must fight the demons!” So John gotted his palsma rifle and blew up the wall. “HE GOING TO KILL US” said the demons “I will shoot at him” said the cyberdemon and he fired the rocket missiles. John plasmaed at him and tried to blew him up. But then the ceiling fell and they were trapped and not able to kill. “No! I must kill the demons” he shouted. The radio said “No, John. You are the demons” And then John was a zombie.

Ronan the Barbarian

In 1988, I was elected president of a forgettable local writers group. One of our writers, we’ll call “Cindy,” was a 23 year old girl living in her wealthy parent’s furnished attic with her very own top of the line (for the time) Mac and printer. In person, pretty nice, but a little touched. One day, I compiled the yearly members list (about 20-30 people), and she used this opportunity to mail a chapter of her book.

The first chapter of 21… From her first book of 7. It was about… wait for it… “Ronan the Barbarian.”

Who was also a dwarf? Somehow. It changed a lot. There was a LOT of alliteration, like he lived in the Purple Palace by the Rainbow River near the Majestic Mountains.

He also met a lot of celebrities, like Star Trek and Star Wars characters, and at one point E.T. and Jared from Labyrinth. It was quite possibly the worst Mary Sue piece I had ever read, and it was over 80 pages of fan-folded 9-pin dot matrix with the tear holes still on the side.

And she sent a copy to all of us unsolicited. It was so out of the blue, so extraordinary, someone thought I wrote it as a joke. Until at the next meeting, Cindy eagerly awaited our positive reviews. I never heard such an awkward silence.

Oh, we tried to be constructive, but everyone had assumed it was a spoof and talked among themselves already, so they kept breaking into embarrassed snickering.

We never saw Cindy again. She was crushed. But truly, that was the worst fanfic I had ever seen.

The Simpsons…

One days Liza and Bart were sitting at home when suddenly Lisa find dirty magazines under Binks bed. Lisa tell Hammer and he yell at Bert “Where you get those foul things from Boy!” then he hit Bart.

Bart run away flying from his dad then later that night he find Lisa and he begin to beat here up.

Lisa say to bert “stop it your hitting me and its making me feel so sad!” so Bort say “you shouldn’t have tell Pop about my maganines!”

Then Hamer runs into the room and pulls Barr and liza apart and say “now now you too. No point in crying over spill milk” hehe

So Boy and Lisa hug

The end.

[NSFW] What is the weirdest fanfiction you have ever read?

  • A fanfiction spread around my theatre group that described Paula Dean cooking a meal and progressively getting more and more aroused by the stick of butter she was cooking with.
  • I was browsing FanFiction, and saw that there was a Tetris section. A Tetris fanfic category. I was confused and curious, and thought it was hilarious. So I read one that was about a society of people who periodically have to go through a ritualistic self-suicide ceremony in worship of their god, and throw themselves into an unknowable chasm to reach the afterlife. Except the people were blocks, and their god was the human playing on the Tetris machine. It was surprisingly really good and heartfelt, and I almost cried at the end when the main character had to throw himself off the edge.
  • Eminem went to prison and became Gambit (yes, of the X-Men)’s bitch
  • Death Note, where L was part of some Lovecraftian fish-man race and forcibly covered Light with vaginas
  • My personal favourite has to be the Avengers fanfiction that I read once where Captain America came home from a long day of work and Iron Man decided that what he needed to relax was to shrink himself and dance inside his anus.
  • I was into Trump/Putin slash for a while
  • Chef Anthony Bourdain bangs Loki from the MCU
  • Kanye as the inquisitor of Thedas in Dragon Age
  • I was once linked to a “My Little Pony” fanfic where Twilight Sparkler’s bedside table became sentient and she fell in love with it. The whole story was written to use “one night stand” as a punchline.
  • I saw a picture of Luna Lovegood eating out Daenerys Targaryen, very “interesting” correlation.
  • Back in the earlier days of the Internet, a fanfic that involved Charlie, Willy Wonka, and an everlasting gobstopper up the butt.
  • I saw one episode of an anime. It was basically your regular run of the mill, super-power action anime. But it had a massive amount of fan-service. I found it odd, but kept watching. Then they revealed the central plot. The characters got their super-powers by finding random women with huge boobs, and drinking their breast milk. The main villain captured multiple women with huge boobs, and is milking them for their milk to get more powerful.
  • One where Lara Croft bought a pet raptor which then raped her in the shower (and she did not notice)
  • Read one where Squidward menstruates ink every month and at one point it gets clogged so Spongebob grows a sponge-dick to absorb the ink out. But because Spongebob’s dick absorbs all the ink it gets so swollen it stays stuck inside Squidward and Spongebob has to ejaculate in order for his dick to shrink. So Squidward starts fucking Spongebob’s pores with his tentacles.
  • I read one where Dean was raped by a tentacle monster under his bed and ended up being forced to abort his squid babies with fire, but that was just kind of a Saturday afternoon in the depths of the Supernatural fandom.
  • Slave Bear of Care-A-Lot, wherein the Bears get upset that Grumpy Bear is grumpy and decide to rectify the situation with some rape and non-consensual BDSM.
  • I recall one that was just Anakin jerking off while thinking of Padme
  • There was this ne my little pony fanfic of Celestia going nuts and raping/murdering her way through Equestria. Think it was called, “Celestia’s Relaxing Vacation”… The actual content warning from the author reads as follows:
    • abortion (via cock and other methods), asphyxiation (via drowning, choking, hanging, cocks, etc), bodily fluids (blood, cum, piss, scat, puss, vomit, etc), bondage (gags, restraints, fuck swings), city demolition, death/murder/necrophilia, death-matches between faithful students, double-or-more penetration, fates worse than death, foalcon/fetuscon, friendship lessons, futa, genocide, human world getting fucked but fuck them, impalement( via cock and other methods), impregnation, incest, mind control/deception/misplaced vengeance, medieval tortures, naughty language, not thinking things through, oral, public naughtiness, sex (every natural hole and others), small council meetings (more horrifying than it sounds), three-or-more-somes, torture via time travel, villains so evil that other villains become protagonists without reforming, virginity (but never for long), vore (soft and hard via mouth, cock, cunt, soul, cooking, etc), wondering why she’s doing this until you find out, zombies (because everything is better with zombies)
  • Here was a video of one on the nerdist website I saw that a guy read about Jar Jar Binks raping George Lucas. The guy had a near flawless impression of Jar Jar Binks. Hearing him exclaim “Wesa ask no more questions! Wesa butt fuck now!” Brought me to tears.
  • It’s more real-person-fic than fanfic, but one where Stephen Fry turns into a giant squid and has sex with the presenters of Top Gear…
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